The Fruit of Self-Control
Jourdan’s Definition:
If you have followed along with our “Living the Fruit of the Spirit” series so far, you have probably noticed a pattern by now. Like all of the other characteristics of a fruitful Spirit, self-control is as much about our relationship with others as it is ourselves. Unlike some of the other characteristics, having too little self-control is not something I struggle with. I struggle with wanting too much control. If you have read my bio, you know that I am a recovering perfectionist. This means I am acutely aware of my perfectionist tendencies and am actively working to manage them. On one hand, my perfectionism has given me some positive attributes. Because of my perfectionism, I am extremely clean, organized, and great at following instructions (IKEA furniture has nothing on me). On the other hand, perfectionism has also negatively impacted my life. I put unrealistically high expectations on myself and others (which results in a struggle to forgive and give grace), I do not handle change or spontaneity very well, and I often forget to celebrate the “small wins.”
When I think of self-control, I think of boundaries (something I am also actively working on). Consider the following verse:
A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.
Substitute the word “boundaries” for “self-control” and the sentence still makes sense. We cannot have boundaries without self-control and we cannot have self-control without boundaries. Like a privacy fence or security system, they are both intended to protect us. When it comes to boundaries and self-control, I like to think of it as a spectrum, as illustrated below.
On one end, having no self-control and no boundaries makes us vulnerable to hurt and sin. Go too far in the other direction (i.e., too much control) and we end up in the perfectionism territory that I described earlier. We need to be more comfortable with the imperfect, because God has a history of using imperfect people in less-than-ideal situations. When we take on all of the control ourselves, we do not leave room for God to work. I believe God wants us to be somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. This means having a combination of healthy boundaries (not too weak and not too rigid) and self-control. But do not confuse self-control with self-driven. God is still in charge here! Our self-control should be driven not by our own wants, but by the fruit of the Spirit. Self-control is what helps us choose to respond with the characteristics of a fruitful Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness) in difficult moments when we would rather respond with hate, anger, impatience, or rudeness.
If you have trouble setting boundaries or struggle with self-control, start by defining your values. Then describe what it would take to protect those values in different circumstances. For example, if you value quality time with family, then protecting that might look like having device-free dinners, or not working past 5pm. If faith is one of your values, then consider starting your day with reading the Bible before checking your phone. Implementing boundaries takes self-control, but using our values to shape how we spend our time will result in more fruitful days and ultimately, a more fruitful life.
Nohemi’s Definition:
When I think of having self-control it’s more than just not yelling back or hitting someone but it’s really about listening.
I am someone that loves feedback! I know feedback can be scary because you really never know what that person will say/share. But have you ever received feedback about your friendship, marriage or family - especially from them directly. I know we all joke around when we ask our spouse “do you think I look fat in this dress?” Or from your brothers - “Do you think I look nice with this hairdo?” Recently, I asked a question like this to one of my best friends (more like a sister to me). I asked her, “Is there something that I do that hinders our friendship?” What she said next shocked me (even though I was asking for it 😂). She was very honest and shared her heart about something that I do that really hurts her feelings. Whenever she is having a tough time, she calls me to share those experiences/situations and then I “give” my advice. She said there are times where she just wants to vent and say what she needs to say and not hear the advice piece. That’s what shocked me, because I thought I was helping not hurting. She wasn’t wrong to say this, but I wasn’t sure how to respond. From there, I started recapping our conversations and really noticed what I shared - I shared how she needed to fix things and how she needed to handle it and how she needed to respond in this way. It’s really not advice and more liking bossing someone around. The crazier thing is I kept inserting my advice and not even asking her if she needed the advice/help. Even though we may think we are helping or being nice or friendly, what they might need is just a listening ear. We need to be mindful of how we can help someone or how we would react in their shoes. By having self-control in this area, it will help to listen and ask if they would like the advice. This is where I need to have self-control.
2 Peter 1:6 - Informs us that knowledge is connected to self-control and self-control is connected to perseverance. It continues in verse 8 to state:
“For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
So, if you are unsure where you need some self-control here is a little challenge or exercise that you can do this week - Do a check in with your family, spouse or friend and ask what are some areas they see where you need to have a little more self-control in.
Core Fruit:
While we are called to display all nine fruit of the Spirit, we believe each of us has a fruit that is at the core of our being. It is the fruit that we display most often, the one that defines our personality, or the one that comes easiest. As promised in the introduction of this series, we want to help you identify your “core fruit.” We felt inspired by the idea behind the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Just like knowing your love language can strengthen your relationships, so can knowing your own “core fruit.” We believe leading with the fruit of the Spirit helps us to relate better to God, and in turn others.
Your “core fruit” might be self-control if:
You have high emotional intelligence (EQ)
You are resilient
You prefer planning over spontaneity
You are a rule follower
You are goal-oriented
Questions to think about:
How would you define “self-control”? Where are you on the “self-control” spectrum and how can you get more towards the middle? What are the things in your life that you can control and what are the things that are out of your control?
